ABCs was recently offered the opportunity to buy a high-ranking congressman. We were excited by the prospect of being able to call him at 3 a.m. to "chat." We would, of course, want special tax breaks for ezine publishers. It's not just for ourselves, oh no! Each of our faithful readers merits at least a $20,000 "business training" grant.

We were suspicious about the low price, just a few thousand dollars, spread between the congressman and his political party. Was the congressman damaged? We examined a recent photo of him and didn't spot any obvious drooling. Comparing his voting record with his listed contributors showed that he usually voted to benefit them. He was still married to his first wife and that photo didn't show him greeting any interns. Finally, he was in apparent good health and had no term limits.

We realized then that we didn't know nearly enough about buying a politician. Once you buy him, does he stay bought? Are we leasing? I'd thought all of my life that the U.S. was a world-class power, and here's one of our congressmen going for less than a decent used car. Is the economy so bad that the Fortune 500 corporations are dumping ALL of their assets for whatever they'll bring? Is it time for us to put our corporate assets completely into peanut butter and shotgun shells?

You can purchase access to elected and politically appointed officials. It is also relatively cheap, thanks to campaign contribution limits. Does it make sense for you and your business? Maybe. The ability to pick up the phone, make a call and talk to a politician can save you time and frustration. You might also appreciate the particular politician and simply want him or her in office.

Is it fair that people can buy special attention? No, not when you consider our "ideals" for government. In practical terms, if you had gone to school with that congressman, married their daughter or otherwise developed a personal connection, you would get his/her attention and a sympathetic hearing when you need it. Making a contribution means that you will get better attention than the average person. It is expensive and difficult to run for political office and your contribution will be welcomed unless you're already doing 10 - 20. If you are dealing with a government agency about a problem and they know that your congressman is actively interested, they have to justify any decisions against you. You are much more likely to get the benefit of the doubt in uncertain situations and compromises may be offered that you wouldn't otherwise get.

The access you buy now can develop into genuine rapport and a long-term relationship for both you and the politician. Retired politicians can be very effective executives or board members if your business needs them. They can help you get your children employed in influential government offices and agencies while building their future connections. You may find yourself invited on golfing trips to Japan or talking with a refrigerator-raiding politician from 3 a.m. until early dawn in your house. Just make sure that you stock his favorite Mallomars and plenty of ice-cold milk.

-Cindy Nemeth-Johannes